(Song Dedication: Pain by The War on Drugs)

My heart is full…I mean like, brimming full.  I balked at writing these words my entire drive home, but then I asked “WHY?!” As in, why are you so afraid to admit you feel hopeful?

My teachings these past 7 months echo in the recesses of my natural inclination toward negativity and cynicism.  They cast light on the don’t go theres and it won’t work outs.  I feel it and it challenges my poor pathetic typing skills to keep up!

I must not just remember, I must feel it to know it.  I can take in all the intellect in the world, but it’s what I do with it that matters most, this is truly knowledge.  Brene Brown says LEAN IN to that moment, BE vulnerable.  Echardt Tolle reminds me this is the experience I am meant to have right now.  Gabor Mate resonates in the first book I read of his, all those months ago at the onset of this journey, gifted to me by a concerned student’s parent, that we must listen to what our body is saying and respect the NO.

I have toiled lately with upcoming decisions in the light of the continued migraines and chronic pain.  I thought I would not still be here at this point.  Here meaning still dealing with this stuff over 7 months later, but alas, here I stand.  But although this is unexpected, I have the skills to better deal with the reality of it by nothing more than acceptance.  And just as the acceptance settles over my life like a blanket of snow, I am given a window of hope.  Something anew to keep my spirits up.

I had heard of this naturopath who had recently opened her practice and she kept coming up in my conversations with various people. I knew this was something I wanted to incorporate into my self-care, but already had so many spinning plates, that I had to think about timing.

I felt I was at a impasse with some parts of my regime and was ready to try something new, even if it involved giving up things like coffee or green tea or potatoes (legitimate fears in my dietary world…like I would proudly wear a shirt that reads “I love potato chips” if I owned one).  Maybe 8 months of migraines will do that though, you know, bargain with yourself, like I used to do on a run…just make it to the next telephone pole and you can walk…instead this was more like...I will give up all delicious things I enjoy ingesting if I can stop the migraines.  Its all about perspective and I have met my threshold.

I had my first naturopath appointment today and so of course, have not been given any food intolerances just yet.  However, during our appointment the next patient happened to come in to cancel – the Doctor wearing both hats today, because she was short staffed, was able to know straight away during our appointment, that she had more time with me.  My experience with Doctors has been mostly in and out in record time, so when she suggested I stay for a pain treatment after the intake and blood test I was surprised but totally game.

She brought out an unassuming little machine that sat in the palm of her hand.  She explained it was a biofeedback device that uses microcurrent electrical impulses, originating from Russia.  She required me to communicate any discomfort or lack of feeling and then began her treatment.  As she ran the device up my right shoulder, it sort of “stuck” to my shoulder blade. When I couldn’t feel tingling, I told her and she dialled it up a bit.  Suddenly there was a hum within the muscles and soon after my arm began tiny involuntary spasms.

She took the time to explain how it worked and showed me how it moved smoothly over my arm and then got stuck in some other places – indicating  the need for treatment of that location.  As she continued to work into my neck the tingling switched to some prickling and so she adjusted by turning it down.  All the while I could feel the sore, tense muscles moving, twitching perhaps towards a more fluid state.

By the end of the treatment, I had gained significant range of motion in my neck and just felt a little lighter, unimpeded.  Not to say I don’t experience these pain free gaps, but more often than not, the pain is always there, like a monkey, but way less cute and fuzzy.

I have to believe this treatment may give me some relief beyond a few hours, like everything else I have tried.  I have to because I want to.

I am so scared to go there because if it doesn’t work, the disappointment will be so great and it’s just another thing on my list that consumes my time, energy and well…money.  But in the meantime, I will enjoy this hopefulness while it lasts because it is almost pain free, and that is where I hope to live one day, wholeheartedly.