(Song dedication: Let’s be still by Head and the Heart)
Math was never my strong suit. In grade 2 & 3, I always got confused with the greater than/less than signs when doing value comparisons. Who knew it would be back to haunt me in some spiritual life journey at 38?!
The only thing left to do is nothing at all.
This has been my greatest challenge. To stop pushing, striving, seeking health, compassion, creativity, knowledge, connection and authenticity. I know so many things, many new things in the past 6 months since I began my leave from teaching. But the one concept alluding me is how to do nothing and feel worthy. It is difficult because it means I must be okay with being equal to or even more scary; less than. Can I be enough for just being? Can I allow myself to say “you are enough” if I never read another book, wrote another blog post, taught another class. Right now the answer is a resounding “no” from every cell in my body.
How do I find myself in all of this mess? All of this work and I still feel unworthy, like I am not good enough unless. This is my calling in this very moment, to answer my own phone…me calling myself. Will you accept yourself without all the stuff, the words, the ideas, the inspiration, the fucking song and dance? Nope. You’re gonna let it ring until it disconnects aren’t you? Ugh, how do you still not get it?!
Well that isn’t acceptable acceptance is it? This deluded rant isn’t to say I am about to go on a quest to do and achieve nothing. It is just for me to articulate where I am not yet, but where I wish to one day be. I hope one day I will be able to say “Sarah you are an acceptable human being just as you are; more, equal or less than, in any given moment whatever you do or don’t do, you are enough.”
Greater than, less than or equal to. No wrong or right. Just. Enough.
I like your honest and clear writing style, Sarah.