Song Dedication: Silver Lining by Mt. Joy
It’s been exactly a year since I began documenting my process of wellness on the Art of Beingness. I haven’t been able to write lately due to the unexpected upswing of busyness in my life. And by “busyness” I mean since November 23, when my sweet husband danced so hard to Kenny Loggins’ “Footloose” at his company staff party that in mid-leap of epic proportions indeed, he ruptured his left achilles tendon. Completely. You know what they say though, “Go big and go home” (…wait that’s not quite right is it? Regardless of correctness, it’s what fucking happened bigtime.)
At first I was like, “Okay, we got this.” Because as I so boldly stated in black and white in my previous post 2 days before the Footloose incident and I quote, “I am stronger than I have ever been…don’t fear me or for me, I am okay.” Welllllll Shiiiiiiit Universe, aren’t you the funny pants dancing to Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic” while you got one hand in your pocket and the other one pointing directly at me mouthing my words right back to me, “Okay, you got this.”
I’m not gonna lie, this past week and a bit has been kinda ugly; as in ugly cries, some ugly words and just feeling overwhelmed and tired. But I would also assert that I have allowed myself all of it, and in that or at the very least on the other side of that, the gifts of gratitude, joy and openness have also been present. Dark and light, because one cannot exist without the other.
What I am certain of, and that says something because in this process of working though chronic migraines, depression and anxiety, chronic pain, addictions to shopping and working; I have learned most things are on-going and therefore never certain, that had we (my husband and I) been presented with this hurdle exactly a year ago, “we” may not have “made it”. As in, it would have all been too much on top of my personal pile of shit- storm I had already buried myself under and I would not have been able to respond to his wellness and healing needs as I have in the present. So thank fuck, I was able to awaken and on some other level enlighten my mind, body and spirit to be okay enough to be present to the task at hand.
I have invited Andrew (my husband) to guest-post a blog entry on The Art of Beingness about his experience. As there is his poignant and valid perspective on this very experience too and he did start writing about it to process things more clearly shortly after the emergency surgery. At the time he was on T3’s to manage the pain, so he seemed game but now that he is no longer impaired he may feel not as open? Fair enough. My point is I hope he will accept my invitation and share his side of the experience and therefore, there is a part of the story that is not mine to tell…I can only honour my experience as an observer. (Also, not something I would have understood a year ago, the misappropriation of someone else’s story, when it is not mine to tell.)
The last week has felt like a groundhog day rollercoaster. Some parts fun and humorous, like helping my 39 year old husband have a bath in a somewhat compromising position of vulnerability or watching him try out his “new wheels” outside the Red Cross Medical Equipment Lending Centre, mesmerized by the incredible turning axis; I sensed his need to pop a wheelie or open it up to top speed to see what the wheelchair could really do. Or even when the surgeon mentioned our middle age and the typical nature of such an injury for middle-agers…oooof! We laughed together thinking we had a few more months before turning 40 in 2019. Dr. Smartypants was quick to let us know we’ve technically been middle-aged for a few years now and no matter how great shape you are in…your tendons are definitely middle-aged…bam, right in the middle-aged solar plexus.
With the laughs and obvious “footloose” jokes of actually tearing a tendon and loosing all function of said foot came resentment and frustration. Again, speaking for myself here. I went from “Okay Sarah, you got this” to the realization of “Wait…how long do I got this though?! 2 months, 3? More even?” Now silver lining is I haven’t had a migraine in over 4 months, which feels like a miracle but I am still actively working with and managing my chronic pain and even on a good day, it’s the pain that flairs, unplugging me from my energy source. So pre-injury, when my pain is heightened, I was able to stop and Andrew would take up the slack, or we would just work in tandem to get the must-do’s and should-do’s done, ready to face another day. It was all working well in our little family of 4 (dog included).
The first few days following his surgery, I was in awe of single parents who do it all themselves, like my Mom when I was a kid. Then at about day 4, I realized I’m not just single-parenting…I’ve adopted another child who needs my care as well! This is a mindfuck for me because even taking an extra kid or two to the waterpark is a stretch for my one kid only framework. So I’ve had to shift and adjust and with that I am stumbling more often than not. And that’s okay.
I can safely say I did not miss my calling as a nurse or doctor or healer of any kind…this is not my jam. But luckily I did marry my best friend who I love very much and it does feel good to take care of him, especially as he rarely needs caring for…this guy never gets sick or injured in the 21 years we’ve been together, this is just not part of his reality…until now.
So the advantages for me are actually significant and abundant in his condition. I am learning how to draw from a deeper well of patience to help heal my best friend, I am showing our son a different face of compassion, I am experiencing the flip-side of recovery which is highly empowering, I am aware of all the little shared tasks that I build up so greatly in my mind before executing them realizing they are just things that need doing and don’t actually require as much mental energy as I previously thought. (I shovelled like, 18 frozen dog shits this afternoon without a single negative vibe!) My growth and beingness are being put to task and it is an affirmation that I am indeed OKAY, one year later.